The Book of Total Innocence
by Klei
Summary: Ivan decides to summon his guardian angel to spread kindness and fluffy bunnies to all the good little children, and it's totally free; this is the story of his life, love, and unicorns. (Notice for followers of The Book of Hell inside.) Rated M for semi-graphic hugging.


**A/N**

**In case you couldn't tell, this was written as more of a notice to all followers of the Book of Hell that the story has been removed for content violation, and I'm moving all my work to A03. (It's still technically a story, though, and an innocent one, at that!) Thank you to all who've supported me. My username is Klei on A03, too; just add "/users/Klei/works" to the homepage URL (it should be the first site to pop up on the Google search for "A03," but the full title is "Archive of Our Own" for those who can't find it) and you should find it. (The full URL is on my profile, just in case.) Most of my own independent works aren't up at the time of this publishing (you can still check out the stuff put up by users like Konata and Beatrice that I co-wrote, though), but I'll try getting everything that's been posted here up by Saturday. I'm also thinking about posting them to Tumblr. (URLs on my profile, again.) **

**For now, though, please enjoy the following mini-fic, written in the course of five minutes! (Yes, I know it's an exaggeration, but come on, I was trying to have fun with it. XD)  
**

* * *

Once upon a time, in a land not at all like our own, there lived a very friendly man named Ivan Braginsky. He had a yard full of beautiful sunflowers, and it was bright and warm all year. Everything was perfect in the Land of Total Innocence, and Ivan wanted to spread that perfection everywhere. So, he went to the library, because he wanted to learn how to help people, and books have all sorts of useful information for all kinds of different things!

The librarian was very friendly. He asked him very politely where he could find the book that he was looking for, and she showed him exactly where it was on the shelf! Ivan smiled brightly at her, but didn't hug her, because he didn't believe in hugging before marriage.

Ivan took the book and checked it out like a good citizen of the Land of Total Innocence, and went home, where he opened it up to the first page and began to read. He'd always loved to read! It was one of his favorite hobbies. He found it almost as much fun as using his imagination and playing the Peaceful Game, in which everything in the world was as perfect as the Land of Total Innocence.

_Hi there, _said the text in the book. _I'm Arthur Kirkland, an angel who loves ponies and bunnies. I'm also from Britain. Did you know Britain is a country in Europe? Isn't that amazing? The sky is also blue. Blue is the color of blueberries. Isn't learning fun?_

_If you put your palms together, close your eyes, and believe really hard, all of your dreams will come true. No, really, we'll send a guardian angel down to fulfill all of your wishes! An angel is like a person, but with wings, and magic. But not that icky black magic, because everything is Heaven is white and good. Did you know that all black people end up in limbo because we refuse to accept them? It's true! Isn't learning fun?_

So Ivan pressed his hands together, and believed really, _really _hard, and a beam of light shot down through the ceiling. A person with wings faded into being, and sparkles spewed from her skin as she stepped onto the ground. She had long golden hair, a long golden dress, and a shiny golden halo over her head.

"Hi there!" said the angel. "I'm Alice Jones! I'm a girl, so any hugging we do is totally innocent and not evil or anything! But only after marriage, of course! I'm quirky, hate pain, and am lovably annoying! I am also here to grant all of your wishes!"

"I'm very happy to meet you!" said Ivan, smiling brightly. "I am a very humble professional bunny-watcher who doesn't like to hurt people. We should be friends! I would very much like to hug you, but I don't believe in hugging before marriage!"

So Ivan and Alice had a wedding at a beautiful church so they could hug all they wanted. Once they were done hugging, Ivan decided it was time for them to go out and make the world a better place.

"I wish for world peace!" said Ivan, smiling brightly. "World peace is good, because it means nobody is fighting anymore! We should all have peace! It's good for children!"

"I agree!" said Alice. So she brainwashed the entire world population to make them nicer, and changed everyone to be the same race and religion so as to prevent conflict on those grounds; everyone turned into a straight white monotheist, just the way God wanted it! She even made the whole world the Land of Total Innocence, so everyone was the same nationality, too!

Ivan smiled brightly. "I am so happy now that the world is peaceful forever!"

Alice gasped. "Oh, did you mean forever? I thought you only meant for the next thousand years!"

Ivan smiled brightly, and laughed brightly. "No, I meant forever!"

"That's okay!" said Alice. "I can fix it!" So she did, and the world was peaceful forever.

"Oh, hahaha, Alice, you're so lovably annoying!" said Ivan, smiling brightly. "I love you, and we should hug because we're married now."

"Yay!" said Alice.

So they both hugged because they were a white, religiously affiliated married couple who were the opposite gender. Amen.

* * *

Russia woke with a start, his whole body shaking. He couldn't quite place why, but he was filled with a feeling of terrible unease. It felt like something terrible had happened, but he had a difficult time recalling just what it was. Just a nightmare, perhaps? Or something worse? Damn it all; he'd been so sure that the panic attacks had ended, but that clearly wasn't the case. Hands trembling, he picked up his phone and began dialing a number.

"Yes, umm, Sergei? I'm sorry for calling you so late at night, but this whole 'weaning me off of my medication' thing isn't working out. Do you think you could refill my prescription…?"


End file.
